tell your sister to shave her snatch
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
