Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
