i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
