I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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