Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
