What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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