Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize