and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize