I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
