hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
