He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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