the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
