Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
