I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize