I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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