I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
