guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
