We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
