That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
