ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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