i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
