3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I cut my penus on the lid.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
