I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
