yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can text with my tongue
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize