Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
