i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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