I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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