I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
