she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
