I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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