So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize