Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
