Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She bit a glass in half.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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