she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
