I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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