Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my poor anus
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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