1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
