And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
