so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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