No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
