If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
