I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
