like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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