so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
