I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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