Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
