I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dear god my vagina.
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