I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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