He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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