I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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