peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
