Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Everclear isn't food dammit
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
