At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
