That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
