bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
