I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
