I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
