There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
