Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
