Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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