i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize