also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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