Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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