how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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