The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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